BREAD BLOG - BLOG FOR BAKING BREAD: CHEESE BREAD

WHATS UP MOTHERBITCHES, DESPITE POPULAR DEMAND, BREAD BLOG IS BACK AND READY TO BAKE SOME MORE BREAD. THIS WEEK I'M DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAT I WILL PROBABLY REGRET: TAKING A SUGGESTION FROM MY CHOWDER-HEAD READERS. THIS SUGGESTION COMES FROM "Venom_Venomous" FROM THE TEAM VENOM FORUMS:

Comment by Venom_Venomous on May 13, 2009 at 8:32am

That looks very tasty. I love bread with honey and stuff. May i recommend a bread with CHEESE? When i say recommend, i mean DEMAND.

OKAY VENOMOUS, I'LL MAKE CHEESE BREAD, BUT IN EXCHANGE I "DEMAND" THAT YOU TAKE A SHOWER. EVERY TIME I WALK INTO A ROOM THAT YOU ARE IN, IT'S LIKE I'M AT A PHISH CONCERT!

THIS BREAD HAS TWO TYPES OF CHEESES: PARMESAN AND CHEDDAR. JAMES BEARD SAYS TO USE FRESH PARMESAN CHEESE, HOWEVER THAT SHIT IS EXPENSIVE AND HE IS DEAD, SO FUCK IT I'M USING THE KIND IN THE GREEN PLASTIC CAN. THIS BREAD IS PREPARED A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THEN NORMAL WHITE OR WHEAT BREAD, BUT IT IS NOTHING I CAN'T HANDLE SINCE I'M A FUCKING GENIUS. I'LL GO OVER THE DIFFERENCES IN THE PHOTOS UP AHEAD.

PHOTOS

THIS IS A REALLY "GRATE" RECIPE! BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

YOU MAKE THIS BREAD BY MAKING NORMAL WHITE BREAD, ONLY YOU ADD BUTTER, THEN LATER GRATE SOME CHEESE AND KNEAD IT IN THERE. YOU PUT THE CHEESE IN THERE AFTER THE DOUGH HAS RISEN ONCE ALREADY

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE AFTER YOU KNEAD THE FUCK OUT OF IT A SECOND TIME, NOTHING THAT EXCITING, JUST A GOD DAMN BALL OF FLOUR AND CHEESE

YOU GOTTA CUT THAT BALL IN HALF, SO IT HELPS IF YOU KNOW A SAMURAI OR A KING ARTHUR.

TO MAKE THIS BREAD, YOU HAVE TO ROLL EACH PART SO THAT IT IS FLATTER THEN YOUR JUNIOR PROM DATE! HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T GO TO THE FUCKING PROM YOU STOOGE

ROLL THAT SHIT UP SO IT LOOKS LIKE THE BLUNT YOU SMOKED DURING YOUR SENIOR PROM

THIS BREAD ALSO HAS TABASCO SAUCE IN IT, SO YOU SHOULDN'T EAT IT IF YOU ARE A BIG BLUBBERING VAGINA (AKA VENOM_DIPPER)

WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA

RESULT: UNDER PAR, LIKE A FCUKING EAGLE OR SOMETHING

NEXT WEEK: I DON'T KNOW! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE???

BREAD BLOG - BLOG FOR BAKING BREAD: HONEY WHEAT BREAD

CHEERS AND JEERS ASSHOLES, BREAD BLOG IS BACK AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN TAKE A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT PIER (A DAD JOKE CLASSIC), OR SEND ME AN EMAIL AT BLOG4BREAD@GMAIL.COM IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS OR IDEAS THAT YOU WANT ME TO TAKE CREDIT FOR.

ENOUGH SMALL TALK, LETS GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS.THIS WEEK I DECIDED TO TACKLE MAKING HONEY WHEAT BREAD. JAMES BEARD'S BOOK DIDN'T HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS FOR A RECIPE, AND I COULDN'T CALL OR WRITE HIM SINCE HE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR 24 YEARS, SO I HAD TO WING THIS ONE. IT WASN'T TOO HARD TO DO SINCE I'M A GOD DAMN GENIUS. I JUST TOOK A NORMAL BREAD RECIPE AND SUBSTITUTED WHEAT FLOUR FOR WHITE FLOUR, AND HONEY INSTEAD OF SUGAR, I ALSO ADDED SOME 10 GRAIN HOT CERAL MIX TO MAKE IT MORE HEALTHY. I SWEAR TO FUCKING JESUS, IF YOU ATE THIS BREAD EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK, YOU'D BE MORE REGULAR THEN JAMIE LEE CURTIS AFTER SHE'S DONE AN ACTIVIA YOGURT COMMERCIAL.

PICTURES

I USE RED STAR YEAST. ALL PROCEEDS GO TO BUY AK47S FOR LEFTIST GUERRILLAS IN SOUTH AMERICAN NATIONS

THIS IS WHAT ALL THE CRAP LOOKS LIKE STIRRED UP

THIS IS WHAT ALL THE CRAP LOOKS LIKE AFTER KNEADING AND ONE HOUR OF RISING TIME. WHEN THE BREAD IS RISING I SUGGEST LOGGING ON TO TEAM FORTRESS 2 AND BACKSTABBING SOME N00BS

AFTER IT RISES YOU GOTTA PUNCH IT DOWN, KNEAD IT, THEN LET IT RISE AGAIN LIKE JESUS CHRIST. WHEN IT IS RISING, PUT THE BREAD IN A WARM DARK PLACE THAT WON'T BE DISTURBED. MY SUGGESTION: UP YOUR MOTHER'S ASS

FUCK YEA, TURNED OUT KINDA FLAT, NEXT TIME I'LL USE MORE YEAST AND GIVE IT MORE RISING TIME

NO GIRLS AROUND THIS WEEK, YOU'LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR A 5 INCH STATUE OF A VIDEO GAME CHARACTER WITH HUGE CARTOONISH BREASTS

RESULT:PAR FOR THE COURSE

NEXT WEEK:RYE BREAD BONUS TIME: BREAD BLOG HATE MAIL

MY FIRST HATE MESSAGE COMES FROM 'VENOM_DIPPER' FROM THE TEAM_VENOM FORUMS. VENOM_DIPPER WRITES:

"first of all, if you like to make bread there's nothing wrong with that. second of all, i decided to read a bread blog, and after getting through all the swearing and the typing in all caps it sounded like a frat douchebag wrote it. were you wearing a pink polo while typing this? i mean if that's what you're trying to make it sound like, then whatever, i get it. if you're not joking while typing your bread blogs, then i think a gay fish song needs to be made about you. however, i do like how there is a bottle of liquor in almost every picture "

THANKS FOR THE MESSAGE VENOM_DIPPER. I WAS THINKING ABOUT PUTTING SOUTH PARK REFERENCES IN THE BREAD BLOG SO YOU MIGHT LIKE IT MORE, BUT THEN I REMEMBERED YOU ARE RETARDED. I SUGGEST THAT YOU GO DOWN TO THAT TACO BELL YOU LIKE SO MUCH, AND EAT CRUNCH WRAP SUPREMES UNTIL YOUR HEART EXPLODES.

BREAD BLOG - BLOG FOR BAKING BREAD: SOUR CREAM BREAD WITH GUEST STAR ALLY

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED I DIDN'T UPDATE LAST WEEK. IF YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, FUCK YOU, I WORK HARD ON THESE! IF YOU DID NOTICE, FUCK YOU I'M NOT GETTING PAID FOR DOING THIS! ANYWAY, I WAS IN NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE RUNNING A MARATHON SO I DIDN'T HAVE THE AVAILABLE RESOURCES (TIME, AN OVEN, ENERGY) TO BAKE ANY GOD DAMN BREAD! THIS WEEK I MADE UP FOR IT BY BAKING TWO LOAVES OF BREAD FOR MY GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY!

SOUR CREAM BREAD IS LIKE BUTTERMILK BREAD BUT WITH SOUR CREAM IN PLACE OF BUTTERMILK. THIS WORKS OUT NICE SINCE NO ONE HAS USED OR KNOWN WHERE TO GET BUTTERMILK SINCE 1876. THEY SAY CRAZY HORSE STOLE THE BUTTERMILK SECRET FROM GENERAL CUSTER AFTER THE BATTLE OF LITTLE BIG HORN AND NEVER GAVE IT BACK! THE SOUR CREAM GIVES THE BREAD AN INTERESTING FLAVOR THAT IS MUCH LIKE SOURDOUGH, ONLY IT ISN'T AS HARD AS A FUCKING ROCK LIKE SOURDOUGH IS THUS WON'T CHIP YOUR TEETH. THIS BREAD GOES WELL TOASTED WITH BUTTER, AND IS GREAT WITH SANDWICHES. IF YOU ARE A FAT FUCK, THIS IS A GOOD BREAD TO HOLLOW OUT AND FILL WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON (AKA FOOL'S GOLD LOAF).

PICTURES:

THIS IS WHAT BREAD LOOKS LIKE BEFORE YOU KNEAD OR BAKE IT

YOU HAVE TO KNOCK ON BREAD TO MAKE SURE IT IS DONE. IF IT MAKES THE SAME NOISE YOUR HOLLOW BRAINLESS HEAD MAKES WHEN YOU KNOCK ON IT, IT IS READY

HELL YEAH

FUCK AXE BODY SPRAY, BREAD WILL MAKE WOMEN LIKE YOU

RESULT: BITCHIN'

NEXT WEEK: WHATEVER IS CHEAPEST TO MAKE, TOO BAD YOUR MOM DOESN'T COME IN BREAD FORM!