Buenas tardes american pig-dogs. I am writing this periodical at the request of my capitalist swine cousin Matthew in hope that I may enlighten you to the Cuban way of life. In exchange for writing this article, by cousin has promised me 5 pairs of american blue jeans, 50 cases of 7.62x39mm ammunition, and a novelty coffee mug that reads "Fuck off". Such things are not available in Cuba, so I had no choice but to accept.
My ignorant cow cousin suggested that I bake something that represents Cuban culture for this article, or as he put it "BAKE SOME OF THAT CUBAN SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MORONS DO DOWN THERE ANYWAY?". Ether way I have decided to share with you undeserving swine the bread of my country: Cuban bread, or as we call it in Cuba "bread".
Cuban Bread contains a large amount of four. Unfortunately, standard food rations do not provide enough flour to make a sufficient loaf of Cuban bread. My suggestion is to complain to the local authority that your neighbor is selling state secrets to the CIA. It does not matter if it is true or not since either way the secret police will take your neighbor to a secure location, leaving their home, and the flour inside, open for business.
Many fat head Americans use barbaric bread pans in which to bake bread in. In Cuba we have no need for such things We prefer that the bread roam free without the abuse of a worker crushing metal container.
When the bread is baked and ready, It should look like an SS-3 MRBM ready to arm and point at your lazy cockroach state of Florida. I am told Florida is the place where Americans send their elderly to die in forced shuffleboard communities.
The meal you see in front of you now is called a Cuban Sandwich. Unlike the american big mac, a Cuban Sandwich is not forced down the throat of lazy consumers by an american devil clown. The Cuban sandwich is to flavor, as the American "Bay of Pigs" invasion is to failure and national embarrassment.
There you have it American cowards, Cuban bread. Please do not ask for the recipie, as it is top secret Cuban goverment information. Also please stop mailing me requests to sing "Babalou", such a request will not be tollerated as the song was popularized by Cuban trader "Desi Arnez". His love for red haired women with a tenancy for cliche american hijinks will not be tolerated by our government.
Result: Patriotic
Next week: Pig-dog american cousin will return.
