AS YOU ALL KNOW, I WAS IN JAIL FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS FOR MOONING THE GOVERNOR OF TENNESSEE'S WIFE. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT I WOUDLN'T HAVE DONE IT IF I KNEW SHE WAS THE GOVERNOR OF TENNESSEE'S WIFE, BUT THEY DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK SINC E THOSE COPS ARE TOTAL FASCISTS. ANYWAY, I HOPE MY FUCKHEAD CUBAN COUSIN DIDN'T SCREW UP THE BREAD BLOG TOO MUCH LIKE HE SCREWED UP MY KITCHEN. HE LEFT THE PLACE A MESS AND POSTED PRO CUBAN PROPAGANDA ALL OVER THE PLACE. I KNOW IN CUBA YOU CAN'T 'OWN' PROPERTY OR SOME SHIT, BUT HERE IN AMERICA WE HAVE A RESPECT FOR PERSONAL PROPERTY, AND THAT MEANS NOT KNOCKING DOWN MY BEDROOM WALL TO INCREASE "FUNG SHUE FLOW".

ANWYA I MADE A NEW BREAD A WHILE AGO. IT'S CALLED 'FINNISH RYE' AND TAKES A WHILE TO MAKE. I MADE SOME FOR MY DEADBEAT FRIENDS WHEN WE WENT TO A CABIN UP NORTH.


FIRST YOU MIX ALL THAT BREAD STUFF IN A BOWL, YOU USE RYE FLOUR SINCE THIS IS RYE BREAD. YOU ALSO PUT BEER IN IT BECAUSE YEAST LIKE TO PARTY! MAKE SURE TO USE A PARTY BEER LIKE PABST OR SCHLITZ, NONE OF THAT BLUE MOON YUPPIE SHIT.


PUT THAT MIXTURE IN A COLD DARK PLACE FOR TWO DAYS. IT SHOULD SMELL LIKE YOUR GRANDPA'S BUICK BY THEN, DON'T WORRY, IT IS SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE GRANDPA'S BUICK. ADD SOME MORE RYE, AND MAKE INTO A HUGE AS BALL (HAHAHA BALLS).


CUT IT IN HALF (I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING FUNNY TOS AY ABOUT THIS PART)


HAHAHAHAHAHA


CUT SOME 'X'ES INTO THE BALLS. THIS MAKES IT LOOK FANCY.


FANCY PANTS YUPPIE PARTY, DRINK WINE, EATIN' CHICKEN, GETTING LAID.


Results: Fucking fancy
Next week: Hell if I know.

CUBAN BREAD

Due to a prior arrest, Mr. Matthew Lutz will not be able to write the bread blog this week. Instead we bring you Mr. Lutz's cuban cousin, and Information Technology Minister of Cuba, Gregorio Anier

Buenas tardes american pig-dogs. I am writing this periodical at the request of my capitalist swine cousin Matthew in hope that I may enlighten you to the Cuban way of life. In exchange for writing this article, by cousin has promised me 5 pairs of american blue jeans, 50 cases of 7.62x39mm ammunition, and a novelty coffee mug that reads "Fuck off". Such things are not available in Cuba, so I had no choice but to accept.

My ignorant cow cousin suggested that I bake something that represents Cuban culture for this article, or as he put it "BAKE SOME OF THAT CUBAN SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MORONS DO DOWN THERE ANYWAY?". Ether way I have decided to share with you undeserving swine the bread of my country: Cuban bread, or as we call it in Cuba "bread".


Cuban Bread contains a large amount of four. Unfortunately, standard food rations do not provide enough flour to make a sufficient loaf of Cuban bread. My suggestion is to complain to the local authority that your neighbor is selling state secrets to the CIA. It does not matter if it is true or not since either way the secret police will take your neighbor to a secure location, leaving their home, and the flour inside, open for business.


Many fat head Americans use barbaric bread pans in which to bake bread in. In Cuba we have no need for such things We prefer that the bread roam free without the abuse of a worker crushing metal container.


When the bread is baked and ready, It should look like an SS-3 MRBM ready to arm and point at your lazy cockroach state of Florida. I am told Florida is the place where Americans send their elderly to die in forced shuffleboard communities.


The meal you see in front of you now is called a Cuban Sandwich. Unlike the american big mac, a Cuban Sandwich is not forced down the throat of lazy consumers by an american devil clown. The Cuban sandwich is to flavor, as the American "Bay of Pigs" invasion is to failure and national embarrassment.

There you have it American cowards, Cuban bread. Please do not ask for the recipie, as it is top secret Cuban goverment information. Also please stop mailing me requests to sing "Babalou", such a request will not be tollerated as the song was popularized by Cuban trader "Desi Arnez". His love for red haired women with a tenancy for cliche american hijinks will not be tolerated by our government.

Result: Patriotic
Next week: Pig-dog american cousin will return.

BREAD BLOG - BLOG FOR BAKING BREAD: BANANA BREAD

YO YO YO YOU FILTHY ANIMALS, I'M BACK FROM MY HIATUS TO ONCE AGAIN BRING YOU INTERNET ARTICLES ABOUT BAKING BREAD, WRITTEN AGGRESSIVELY IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. I HOPE YOU MISERABLE BASTARDS CELEBRATED THE 4TH OF JULY PROPERLY, I KNOW I DID. I DID WHAT I DO EVERY YEAR: I DRANK 76 BEERS (ONE FOR EVERY STAR ON THE FLAG) THEN SHOT ILLEGAL FIREWORKS AT THE MINNESOTA STATE CAPITAL, TAKE THAT YOU FASCIST PIGS!

ANYWAY, SOME GIRL IN PASSING TOLD ME THAT THE BREADS I'VE BEEN MAKING SUCK, AND THAT I SHOULD MAKE SOME LAME WUSS GIRL BREAD THAT HAS A BUNCH OF SUGAR AND FRUIT IN IT. WELL I TOLD HER TO GO TO HELL SINCE THAT WOULD BE WHAT THE FRENCH CALL "A CAKE". LATER MY MEDS KICKED IN, OR SOMETHING ELSE WORE OFF, AND I THOUGH THAT BAKING SOME KIND OF FRUIT BREAD WOULD BE A PRETTY GOOD IDEA. I THREW MY COOKBOOK UP IN THE AIR AND SHOT IT WITH MY GRANDPA'S REVOLVER. THE BULLET WENT RIGHT THROUGH THE PAGE THAT READ "BANANA BREAD" SO THAT'S THE ONE I'M GOING TO DO.


YOU GOTTA HAVE TWO EGGS AND SOME RIPE BANANAS AT HAND


I USED PECANS FOR THIS BREAD, I LOVE THE HELL OUT OF PECANS AND YOU SHOULD TO


IT LOOKS LIKE PUKE BEFORE YOU BAKE IT, BUT YOU PROBABLY GET YOUR FOOD EXCLUSIVELY AT THE BURGER KING SO WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?


I BAKED IT TOO LONG, BUT THAT IS ALL APART OF THE LEARNING PROCESS


THAT AIN'T NO FANCY WINE, IT'S DRINKIN' WINE

RESULT: BANANARAMA
NEXT WEEK: SOME KIND OF EUROPEAN RYE PROBABLY

BREAD BLOG - BLOG FOR BAKING BREAD: BEER BREAD

HEY GANG, I JUST GOT BACK FROM MY QUACK DOCTOR. HE SAID THAT IF I KEEP BAKING BREAD AND THEN WRITING ANGERLY ABOUT IT IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS I'M DUE FOR A HEART ATTACK/STROKE IN THE NEXT 2 WEEKS. WELL FUCK HIM! GRAHHHHHHH!!!

THIS WEEK SOME GUY NAMED FOAMY AT STOMPFEST RECOMENDED THAT I MAKE BEER BREAD. ALL THE RECIPIES I FOUND ONLINE SUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEDDDD SO I MADE MY OWN DAMN RECIPE!!! I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE AT A STATE SCHOOL! I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT! SO INSTEAD OF WATER I USED BEER, AND I ADDED SOME GROUND MUSTARD FOR A LITTLE KICK. IT TURNED OUT REAL WELL, YOU COULD USE THIS BREAD FOR MAKING SANDWICHES OR EAT IT WITH SAUSAGE (LIKE BRATS, NOT THE COCKS YOU SMOKE EVERY NIGHT FOR RENT MONEY!).

PHOTOS

I USED PABST BLUE RIBBON, SINCE I'TS MADE IN AMERICA AND YOU CAN GET 18 CANS FOR 11 BUX

I DRANK THAT BEER, THEN SMASHED THE CAN ON MY HEAD BECAUSE I'M EXTRRREEEEEEMMEEEE

I THINK I'M GETTING BETTER AT TAKING PICTURES OF BREAD, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THAT ART CLASS I TOOK IN COLLEGE!

WINGO!

RESULT: WOOOOOOHHHH BOY

NEXT WEEK: SOME KIND OF GIRLY FRUIT BREAD

BREAD BLOG - BLOG FOR BAKING BREAD: CHEESE BREAD

WHATS UP MOTHERBITCHES, DESPITE POPULAR DEMAND, BREAD BLOG IS BACK AND READY TO BAKE SOME MORE BREAD. THIS WEEK I'M DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAT I WILL PROBABLY REGRET: TAKING A SUGGESTION FROM MY CHOWDER-HEAD READERS. THIS SUGGESTION COMES FROM "Venom_Venomous" FROM THE TEAM VENOM FORUMS:

Comment by Venom_Venomous on May 13, 2009 at 8:32am

That looks very tasty. I love bread with honey and stuff. May i recommend a bread with CHEESE? When i say recommend, i mean DEMAND.

OKAY VENOMOUS, I'LL MAKE CHEESE BREAD, BUT IN EXCHANGE I "DEMAND" THAT YOU TAKE A SHOWER. EVERY TIME I WALK INTO A ROOM THAT YOU ARE IN, IT'S LIKE I'M AT A PHISH CONCERT!

THIS BREAD HAS TWO TYPES OF CHEESES: PARMESAN AND CHEDDAR. JAMES BEARD SAYS TO USE FRESH PARMESAN CHEESE, HOWEVER THAT SHIT IS EXPENSIVE AND HE IS DEAD, SO FUCK IT I'M USING THE KIND IN THE GREEN PLASTIC CAN. THIS BREAD IS PREPARED A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY THEN NORMAL WHITE OR WHEAT BREAD, BUT IT IS NOTHING I CAN'T HANDLE SINCE I'M A FUCKING GENIUS. I'LL GO OVER THE DIFFERENCES IN THE PHOTOS UP AHEAD.

PHOTOS

THIS IS A REALLY "GRATE" RECIPE! BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

YOU MAKE THIS BREAD BY MAKING NORMAL WHITE BREAD, ONLY YOU ADD BUTTER, THEN LATER GRATE SOME CHEESE AND KNEAD IT IN THERE. YOU PUT THE CHEESE IN THERE AFTER THE DOUGH HAS RISEN ONCE ALREADY

THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE AFTER YOU KNEAD THE FUCK OUT OF IT A SECOND TIME, NOTHING THAT EXCITING, JUST A GOD DAMN BALL OF FLOUR AND CHEESE

YOU GOTTA CUT THAT BALL IN HALF, SO IT HELPS IF YOU KNOW A SAMURAI OR A KING ARTHUR.

TO MAKE THIS BREAD, YOU HAVE TO ROLL EACH PART SO THAT IT IS FLATTER THEN YOUR JUNIOR PROM DATE! HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING, I KNOW YOU DIDN'T GO TO THE FUCKING PROM YOU STOOGE

ROLL THAT SHIT UP SO IT LOOKS LIKE THE BLUNT YOU SMOKED DURING YOUR SENIOR PROM

THIS BREAD ALSO HAS TABASCO SAUCE IN IT, SO YOU SHOULDN'T EAT IT IF YOU ARE A BIG BLUBBERING VAGINA (AKA VENOM_DIPPER)

WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA

RESULT: UNDER PAR, LIKE A FCUKING EAGLE OR SOMETHING

NEXT WEEK: I DON'T KNOW! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE???

BREAD BLOG - BLOG FOR BAKING BREAD: HONEY WHEAT BREAD

CHEERS AND JEERS ASSHOLES, BREAD BLOG IS BACK AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN TAKE A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT PIER (A DAD JOKE CLASSIC), OR SEND ME AN EMAIL AT BLOG4BREAD@GMAIL.COM IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS OR IDEAS THAT YOU WANT ME TO TAKE CREDIT FOR.

ENOUGH SMALL TALK, LETS GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS.THIS WEEK I DECIDED TO TACKLE MAKING HONEY WHEAT BREAD. JAMES BEARD'S BOOK DIDN'T HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS FOR A RECIPE, AND I COULDN'T CALL OR WRITE HIM SINCE HE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR 24 YEARS, SO I HAD TO WING THIS ONE. IT WASN'T TOO HARD TO DO SINCE I'M A GOD DAMN GENIUS. I JUST TOOK A NORMAL BREAD RECIPE AND SUBSTITUTED WHEAT FLOUR FOR WHITE FLOUR, AND HONEY INSTEAD OF SUGAR, I ALSO ADDED SOME 10 GRAIN HOT CERAL MIX TO MAKE IT MORE HEALTHY. I SWEAR TO FUCKING JESUS, IF YOU ATE THIS BREAD EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK, YOU'D BE MORE REGULAR THEN JAMIE LEE CURTIS AFTER SHE'S DONE AN ACTIVIA YOGURT COMMERCIAL.

PICTURES

I USE RED STAR YEAST. ALL PROCEEDS GO TO BUY AK47S FOR LEFTIST GUERRILLAS IN SOUTH AMERICAN NATIONS

THIS IS WHAT ALL THE CRAP LOOKS LIKE STIRRED UP

THIS IS WHAT ALL THE CRAP LOOKS LIKE AFTER KNEADING AND ONE HOUR OF RISING TIME. WHEN THE BREAD IS RISING I SUGGEST LOGGING ON TO TEAM FORTRESS 2 AND BACKSTABBING SOME N00BS

AFTER IT RISES YOU GOTTA PUNCH IT DOWN, KNEAD IT, THEN LET IT RISE AGAIN LIKE JESUS CHRIST. WHEN IT IS RISING, PUT THE BREAD IN A WARM DARK PLACE THAT WON'T BE DISTURBED. MY SUGGESTION: UP YOUR MOTHER'S ASS

FUCK YEA, TURNED OUT KINDA FLAT, NEXT TIME I'LL USE MORE YEAST AND GIVE IT MORE RISING TIME

NO GIRLS AROUND THIS WEEK, YOU'LL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR A 5 INCH STATUE OF A VIDEO GAME CHARACTER WITH HUGE CARTOONISH BREASTS

RESULT:PAR FOR THE COURSE

NEXT WEEK:RYE BREAD BONUS TIME: BREAD BLOG HATE MAIL

MY FIRST HATE MESSAGE COMES FROM 'VENOM_DIPPER' FROM THE TEAM_VENOM FORUMS. VENOM_DIPPER WRITES:

"first of all, if you like to make bread there's nothing wrong with that. second of all, i decided to read a bread blog, and after getting through all the swearing and the typing in all caps it sounded like a frat douchebag wrote it. were you wearing a pink polo while typing this? i mean if that's what you're trying to make it sound like, then whatever, i get it. if you're not joking while typing your bread blogs, then i think a gay fish song needs to be made about you. however, i do like how there is a bottle of liquor in almost every picture "

THANKS FOR THE MESSAGE VENOM_DIPPER. I WAS THINKING ABOUT PUTTING SOUTH PARK REFERENCES IN THE BREAD BLOG SO YOU MIGHT LIKE IT MORE, BUT THEN I REMEMBERED YOU ARE RETARDED. I SUGGEST THAT YOU GO DOWN TO THAT TACO BELL YOU LIKE SO MUCH, AND EAT CRUNCH WRAP SUPREMES UNTIL YOUR HEART EXPLODES.

BREAD BLOG - BLOG FOR BAKING BREAD: SOUR CREAM BREAD WITH GUEST STAR ALLY

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED I DIDN'T UPDATE LAST WEEK. IF YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, FUCK YOU, I WORK HARD ON THESE! IF YOU DID NOTICE, FUCK YOU I'M NOT GETTING PAID FOR DOING THIS! ANYWAY, I WAS IN NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE RUNNING A MARATHON SO I DIDN'T HAVE THE AVAILABLE RESOURCES (TIME, AN OVEN, ENERGY) TO BAKE ANY GOD DAMN BREAD! THIS WEEK I MADE UP FOR IT BY BAKING TWO LOAVES OF BREAD FOR MY GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY!

SOUR CREAM BREAD IS LIKE BUTTERMILK BREAD BUT WITH SOUR CREAM IN PLACE OF BUTTERMILK. THIS WORKS OUT NICE SINCE NO ONE HAS USED OR KNOWN WHERE TO GET BUTTERMILK SINCE 1876. THEY SAY CRAZY HORSE STOLE THE BUTTERMILK SECRET FROM GENERAL CUSTER AFTER THE BATTLE OF LITTLE BIG HORN AND NEVER GAVE IT BACK! THE SOUR CREAM GIVES THE BREAD AN INTERESTING FLAVOR THAT IS MUCH LIKE SOURDOUGH, ONLY IT ISN'T AS HARD AS A FUCKING ROCK LIKE SOURDOUGH IS THUS WON'T CHIP YOUR TEETH. THIS BREAD GOES WELL TOASTED WITH BUTTER, AND IS GREAT WITH SANDWICHES. IF YOU ARE A FAT FUCK, THIS IS A GOOD BREAD TO HOLLOW OUT AND FILL WITH PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON (AKA FOOL'S GOLD LOAF).

PICTURES:

THIS IS WHAT BREAD LOOKS LIKE BEFORE YOU KNEAD OR BAKE IT

YOU HAVE TO KNOCK ON BREAD TO MAKE SURE IT IS DONE. IF IT MAKES THE SAME NOISE YOUR HOLLOW BRAINLESS HEAD MAKES WHEN YOU KNOCK ON IT, IT IS READY

HELL YEAH

FUCK AXE BODY SPRAY, BREAD WILL MAKE WOMEN LIKE YOU

RESULT: BITCHIN'

NEXT WEEK: WHATEVER IS CHEAPEST TO MAKE, TOO BAD YOUR MOM DOESN'T COME IN BREAD FORM!